Where to begin?

For starters I would like to introduce myself, my name is unimportant but what I'm going to say is. I am a 24 year old woman who has had the misfortune of growing up in rural America. Misfortune you might ask? Isn't it always a injustice to "different" people who has a family from back East move to the Western side of the country to start a better life for them and their children? I guess it would be easier to back up and explain this a little bit better. Both of my parents are from the Washington D.C. area and both have military family backgrounds; that military family tree has since died seeing as neither my brother or I felt the desire to serve the country. With this being said it's weird to live in Idaho and not be related to anyone and, of course, having a family that hails from the East I didn't have the convenience of being related to half of the town. This was a disadvantage for quite some time but hey, at least I'll never have to wonder if I ended up marrying my second cousin.

My start to life wasn't as much of a struggle as I may have lead it to be, but life has it's struggles regardless. I spent nearly a lifetime wishing I was someone different or that I could just die already; at 11 years old you should want to live life to the fullest, right? Not this little shit, I had to go against the grain in every which direction until I ended up here, today. It's been a long road, these last 13 years, to figure out who the Hell I might be. I struggle a lot with my identity because I have yet to find a person I love; you can try on many different masks but not all of them fit. I've been essentially the same person over the span of this last decade and some change, but really what makes you into an adult? Responsibilities is one of those things that makes every child into an adult at some point especially because it very nearly dulls your soul like a pair of 100 year old scissors. At the risk of sounding dark things some times don't get better, but everything does change.

The most pivotal moment in this transition from sad teenager who dropped out of high school to sad teenager who dropped out of high school with a job was when I started at Hot Topic in 2011 (I was 16!). I stayed with this job and ended it as Part Time Assistant Manager (3 years) 6 1/2 years until I finally couldn't handle the amount I was being paid and moved onto better paying and still equally as shitty Full Time Manager at a different retail store. It doesn't matter where I started but it's about how I started because retail has been the best, and the absolute worst, thing for me thus far. Before working retail I was painfully shy, people looking at me for too long made me nervous, and I sure as hell never thought I would ever be a manager in my entire life, but here I am. Don't get me wrong, I really hate retail but there are some incredibly rewarding moments especially when your customer doesn't yell at you or complain about you to your manager for something you may or may not have actually done wrong. It's taught me many lessons and its helped mold me into the antisocial and depressed adult I am today. With this, however, I have developed better social skills, less awkward tendencies in social situations, and I always have a good shitty customer story to tell at get together's with my fiance's many friends. All in all getting a job is what has helped mold me into the person I am, but it's really just the tip of the iceberg.

In order to do this the way that I feel is right I don't want to drag my first blog post into oblivion. This is just a small part of who I am and I've barely skimmed the surface. Human beings are complex and lovely in and of themselves, but my God there's too many days, weeks, months, and years for one person to keep track of.